It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

     The house is finally all decorated and looking quite Christmassy. Yesterday we had our annual Christmas come and go get together. As always it was a big hit. Everyone enjoyed the food, drinks and great company. We had a great turn out of family and friends. It is always so nice to see everyone. Now it is time to get the house back in shape for it to be destroyed by Christmas morning. We have a lot to do before the big day as we are expecting company. Very excited that J's family will be able to spend Christmas with us. It is always a treat to get to spend time with such awesome people.
     Almost all the shopping is done and only a few things left to wrap. Seems like this time of year there is always something getting forgotten and then another trip up to the store is required. I am hoping to not have to shop at all after the 22nd but that may just be wishful thinking. Oh well time to stop procrastinating and actually get some stuff accomplished around here. Cheers to you for a very Merry Christmas!

November

      November feels like it has been a particularly trying month for me. So much stuff has happened this month. It feels like there has been a lot of emotional turmoil mashed in with all the regular sort of stresses that go on with a regular sort of life. As November finally comes to a close some of the turmoil has been figured out and resolved and some continues along the same path and I am still struggling with it but it will come with time. What I do know for certain is that I am a good person and I am secure in who I am. If you keep treating me like I am only good enough for you some of the time then that just means one of these days when you think you need me I may not be there anymore. I love with all my heart and being made to feel like I am not good enough is hurtful and unacceptable.
     Okay onto the upcoming positives: I am looking forward to Christmas and having people over. Very excited for J's family to come and spend Christmas with us! I am hoping December doesn't feel too crazy this year. Usually so many things get planned it feels like there is not enough time to do it all but I really enjoy seeing everyone I care about in the festive spirit. I think I blew our budget this month (not very positive lol) buying presents but I am close to done (positive) so that is nice and I am sure that our budget will be back on track very soon.

Positivity

      The response from my last post has been very positive and it reminds me that my circle of friends is not as small as it sometimes seems. I appreciate your support and appreciate your feedback. Thank you for reminding me that there are even more things in my life that I have to be thankful for. Not that I wasn't thankful for each of you before just needed a reminder of how thankful I really should be.

Negativity

     So overall our life is good right now. Really I feel like I shouldn't complain and that maybe I should just stay positive because of all the good but you know I am human. So that being said currently I am feeling rather negative. Trouble with friends, trouble with home appliances and trouble with my hubby have made this a rough week. The broken washing machine sucks but it is not the end of the world because we still have our old apartment sized one and it works so yes I am grateful that we can still do laundry but when you have a household of 5 ... having a larger capacity washing machine is nice. The thing with the friends will work itself out one way or another in the end. It is just hard knowing that your friends are hurting and it sucks that sometimes the fact that they are hurting leads them to hurting you. Friendships are hard sometimes and it is  hard not knowing if things can be repaired between friends. Only time will tell. Now onto the trouble with J. It basically was resolved as quickly as it happened but I think the reason we were having an issue was because he was not impressed with the friend trouble and it had him upset so we were talking and he had raised his voice and was talking with his hands and so I thought he was mad at me which of course upset me. So I asked why he was mad with me and then he said he wasn't and why did I always think that he was mad at me. Seriously things just kind of snowballed from there and ended with me bawling. Yes I have been a bit of a crybaby this week. Oh well apologies were said and things are a bit better now but it is fair to say emotionally I remain a bit of a mess. Marriage is another thing that is hard.
     Stress is not a friend of mine and as many of you know I am a bit of a worrier which causes stress. Uuuggghhh! Anyway recently a relative of J's was diagnosed with diabetes which of course prompted J to get his butt to the doctor. His appointment went well and the doctor was very positive and figures that J is fine but of course sent him for some blood work anyway just to make sure. He was supposed to go on Monday but he kind of messed up his fasting by eating breakfast without even thinking about it. Seriously we had to laugh about that. He is definitely a creature of habit. Anyway since he had today off and he remembered to not eat breakfast he actually made it in for the blood work. They took blood and then made him stick around and do the nasty sugar filled drink and then took more blood. I really hope he will be just fine but needless to say this is definitely something that worries me a lot. This has been an especially difficult year and it would be nice if it would start feeling a bit easier sometime soon.

Also

Have I ever mentioned that I hate time change? Well I do! It is depressing because it gets dark way too early in the evening and in the end I can honestly say that I have not found one single thing I like or appreciate about it. Time should just stay the same year round!

The 1st Snow Has Fallen

So it is no big secret that I am not a huge fan of snow. Well maybe that isn't totally true. More true may be I am not a huge fan of winter. I do love snow. It makes everything look fresh and bright. Snow also means that our home feels even more cozy and I love seeing the kids rosy cheeks when they come in after being out in the snow. It also means hot chocolate ... mmmmm! I also love that snow brings with it the sledding season. I love watching the kids have so much fun on the hill. Really I guess the only time I really hate snow is when there is so much that the roads get really awful. Winter I despise because it lasts sooo long. Every year (well for a long time anyway) I would get really blue starting sometime in February because that is when I usually am ready for the winter to be done with. Since I have realized that this seems to be a regular occurrence February hasn't been so bad. Now I see it coming and deal with it a lot better. I bet J is a lot happier too now that I am dealing better with the winter blues since it was usually with him that I got the most frustrated. Also it gives him an out and he can just blame my crabiness on winter and know that it most likely isn't anything he said or did. It is crazy that a season can have such a crazy affect on a person and then of course it affects everything around that person if they can't get it under control. It is like the sadness spreads like a disease or something and the only way to properly deal with it is to recognize the issue and then deal with it before it becomes a problem. Thankfully I am able to deal with it better now and though I still tend to hate winter, I am able enjoy it more easily.

Hmmm

Sometimes there are things I would like post about but I am not sure I want to share those things with everyone. Sometimes these things are the ones that weigh most heavily on my mind but that probably has to do with the fact that I don't feel comfortable sharing them and feel I have to carry it on my own. I know eventually I will share but just not yet. Today has been one of those days where you feel kind of sad but you can't really pinpoint what it is you are sad about. There are a few different things that may be causing this and my guesses are the thing that I am not ready to share stressing me a bit, or the fact that today was J's last regular Sunday home with us for a while, combined with the fact that I need to get a really good sleep. Everything just bothers a person more when they are tired. Next Sunday brings the start of J's new shifts and I have mixed feelings about this. One thing I am soooo looking forward to is that finally after almost 7 years he will be able to sleep at home every night of the week :) Two things I am not looking forward to him working Sundays and having to work basically 9-9 Monday - Thursday. It will be a tough change for all of us. He is such an awesome Dad and for him to basically not be able to see the kids for 4 whole days every week will be hard. This change was one of the ones you just grin and bear because the alternative was definitely worse. I think it will be workable and survivable but difficult at first. Oh well I will end with some things that are coming up that we are looking forward to.
#1 - Halloween because we have kick ass costumes to wear thanks to my wonderful mother in-law!
#2 - Christmas because we get to spend it with J's family this year!
#3 - May because 2 new babies will be joining our family (one on each side)!
#4 - July because school is out and because summer is awesome and I expect this summer to be especially awesome !!
I am sure that there are plenty of other things that I am looking forward to but those are definitely the highlights that I am most looking forward to. Thanks for stopping by and cheers to you.

Just a Quick One

I know I said I planned on writing more often but it has been a while. Oh well I am still here and I suppose that is what counts. Really what I am doing right now is procrastinating. I really should be done getting stuff ready for tomorrow and in bed but I am not completely ready for tomorrow and I am obviously not in bed. I am sure I will be tired tomorrow but I know it will be a good day. Looking forward to having some of J's family here and some of my family including my Grandma. I will be thinking of those that we have lost and will be having our first Thanksgiving without and I will remind myself to be thankful for the time we had. I am thankful for my family and for J's family. I am thankful for our friends. Things are tough but I am feeling good because we have the love and support of so many wonderful people. I am also thankful for the 3 beautiful and wonderful children I have. Those are the things that I am thankful for this year. What are you thankful for?

Sleep

      The house is quiet now as all of the kids are at school and I have no extra kids until just before 1pm. My nephew is sick so I will watch him today while my sis gets to be parent helper at preschool. Seriously whoever thinks a stay at home mom has all the free time in the world is out of their mind. Anyway that is a blog topic for some other day when I feel the need to rant.
     Today I am wondering if any of you are like me? When I go to bed at night I usually fall asleep with some song in my head and when I wake up there is usually some other song stuck in my head. Sometimes it is a song I love and waking up with it makes for a good start to the day. Other days I just shake my head and wonder why, oh why would that song be stuck in my head? Today was one of the rare days that I woke up without a song and I really wish that I had. Good song or bad song ... really either way would have been better than what I woke up with stuck in my head. I had a dream that  my husband decided that he was leaving. He said he loved me but that he wasn't in love with me and he figured I felt the same so that was that. I let him go because I didn't want  him to  continue on with his life feeling stuck knowing that the very thought of him leaving breaks my heart. I find often when I dream that the way I react to awful stuff in my dream is quite different from how I think I may act if the dream were to happen in real life. Like my dream this morning for example. There is no way I would give up that easily, I would fight for us because I honestly can NOT imagine my life without J. Now I could probably get super sappy and go on for a long time about how much I love him but  with all the mushiness it would probably make you a little green . To sum it up he is my everything. A lot of the songs I wake up with stuck in my head are songs I may never have heard if it wasn't for him. Sometimes I think about writing down all the songs that are stuck in my head when I go to sleep and when I wake, just to see what the soundtrack to my sleep is. Oh well time to hit the showers - Zumba was good this morning even though I didn't feel like going. Thanks reading the ramblings of my crazy mind. Hope you have a good day!

Summer

Seriously? Has the whole summer come and gone already? I am kind of feeling like I blinked and missed a lot of summer. We only made it to the lake once, what a bummer. Well our summer started off with a trip to Saskatchewan to visit family and to remember J's Grandma. Her memorial was on July 2 and it went well. It was sad to have to say goodbye to such a wonderful lady and I can honestly say I am so happy that I got to know her. She is resting right near my Grandpa and my Great Grandpa and I find it comforting to know that these special people I love are resting so close to each other. The day after Grandmas memorial was awful for me, my Aunt had a couple seizures and was rushed to Edmonton for tests and the results were devastating. We found out that her cancer had spread to her brain and the two seizures she suffered were because of the swelling that the brain tumors caused. We tried to remain hopeful but it was not looking good and facing that reality was something I hope to never have to deal with ever again. More tests revealed that the cancer had spread all over in her abdomen and she was aching in her bones because of cancer there. So after some radiation treatments they sent her back home (well to the hospital in her town) to be with her friends and family so everyone could say their goodbyes.   Watching Aunty go through all that pain and just disappear from us was heartbreaking. It is so hard being there watching your loved one fade away, you just feel helpless. It is even harder knowing how young and full of life that person is and how much they still want to be with you and everyone else they love. I am grateful for the very few last good moments I had with her. I am glad she knows how much we loved her and on one of her last good days she was able to tell the kids and I that she loved us too and that meant the world to me. I was sad that J wasn't able to be with us there that day, it would have been good for him.  Aunty passed away on August 12th. Since then it just seems unreal. I still can't imagine a world without her and yet here I am in that world. I miss her so much everyday. She meant the world to me. She was there for everything throughout my life. She was there when I was born, for almost all of my birthdays, my grad, my wedding helping make sure my dress was hemmed and fixed perfect for the big day. She was there for me when my own Mom was having issues and couldn't be there. She was also there when I had my kids. Always there just a phone call or a short drive away, ready with a cup of tea or a glass of iced tea ready to offer whatever was needed be it advice or a shoulder to cry on.  I could never call and talk to her for only a few minutes, our conversations were always long and enjoyable. I miss her immensely.
       

             So needless to say this was a difficult summer for my family but not all of it was bad. Our visit in Sask went well and we had a great visit with so many people that mean a lot to us. J and I even got a little time away from the kids (thanks to his parents) and we got to spend some quality time with J & J in the big city.  As always time seemed to go by too quickly while we are there and we were sad to have to go home when we did but I guess that just indicates that it was indeed a good visit. After we got back I spent as much time as possible visiting or just sitting with Aunty. At the end of July we attended A & A's wedding and had a great time. The beginning of August brought G his first hospital stay, surgery for a broken arm. He handled everything like a real trooper and almost as quickly as it happened it was taken care of and we were back at home. Only six more days and he should be out of the cast. The weekend following the broken arm brought Aunty's passing and also a visit from my wonderful friend A from Ontario. It was so nice to have her here for support. We got to meet her boyfriend finally and he seems really nice. It makes me happy to know that she has finally found a good guy. J is growing like a weed (12 already) and I still love him to bits just like the very first day I met him.
             

        Last weekend was Auntys memorial. We went out and camped at the hall for the whole weekend. The kids really enjoyed that. I was overwhelmed by the turn out. Aunty was so well liked by so many in our community and it was so good to see so many friendly faces there to remember such a wonderful person. Aunty wanted a celebration of life and that is what we did. After a nice memorial service we had an awesome potluck supper and then a dance after and there was a lot of laughter and joy. Something that would have had Aunty grinning from ear to ear.
              Well this is then end of my rambling for this evening. Hopefully it all makes sense. I am hoping to write a little more often now that summer is over and we will be getting back in the school routine and I am hoping that I actually get back to feeling like writing more. Part of the reason it has been so long since my last post is because I have been feeling either negative or rather blah to say the least. Hopefully the fall brings some good things (and positive feelings) for our family and yours. Cheers and have a good one!

Happy Fathers Day

                                     My Dad!
I think it was a pretty good Fathers Day. The day started off with the kids making breakfast on their own for J. They made him toast with peanut butter and honey. G made the toast, B put the peanut butter on the toast and then M added the honey. What a bunch of sweet kids. The afternoon was spent visiting with my Dad and then we all went to see X-Men First Class. It was a good movie and I think everyone enjoyed it. Some of my favorite parts were the ones that made my Dad say "What the hell?" LOL At least we knew he was paying attention. I hope J, my Dad, my Dad In-Law and all the other wonderful Dads out there know how much they are truly appreciated. I am grateful to have a father that makes an effort to spend time with his children and grandchildren. I am also grateful that my children have a father that takes the time to understand them, love them, teach and guide them, be a great role model for them and to me this includes showing his kids that he loves their mom :)

Another Week is Done

So earlier I posted about how I was going to be getting photos done this past week but due to bad weather and illness the shoot got cancelled until it eventually happens but that is okay. I guess I would be okay with it not happening for a little while considering the fact that I am now covered in like a million bug bites. Hooray for camping! lol Friends of ours were  going camping and invited us along and since Friday was J's birthday and he was so disappointed that we only got to camp twice last summer we decided to join our friends. Most of the weekend was good but there were things that definitely bothered me. Some of it was just silly stuff and some of it was because I have been tense and feeling a little off all week but some of it just made me wonder about people. I don't really want to go too far into it on here just because I don't want to hurt anybody as I don't really think anything that happened this weekend that bothered me was done to intentionally upset me. Venting on here for the whole world to see is probably not the best idea either. Some of the good things from this weekend were stuff like J really loving his Nintendo controller birthday cake, the bed in the tent was actually fairly comfortable, the kids were fairly well behaved, we got in some decent visiting time with some great friends, the food was good, and we had a beautiful camping spot. It was close to the North Saskatchewan River and a little creek that was safe for the kids to be around but both were a bit of a walk away so it was still a fairly safe camping spot for the kids. Today before we left we went on a short hike and took a look at some cool old deteriorated cabins and an old boat it was interesting. I know I ramble a bit but I am sure that with time my writing will improve so please bear with me. Oh and I almost forgot to mention how much I love, love, love the first shower after getting home from camping :) Seriously the BEST!!!

Lately

This past week was a busy one. Started babysitting a really cute 1 year old and it went really well. The kids all love her and she likes them too even though they are often right in her face trying to get her attention. Thursday was M's last day of preschool. He had a great time at the petting zoo and on the wagon ride with all of his friends. Definitely am sad to be done with preschool. Will miss the 2 awesome women that have taught my kids for the last 5 years. Also it is so hard to believe that my kids are all growing up so quickly. This weekend was awesome. My friend D (who is fabulous) offered to watch our kids overnight on Saturday so J and I could have some much needed and appreciated time alone. We started out by going to a local shop here in town and finding a hot outfit for my photos that I am super excited to be getting done this week and then we headed out to the big city for the rest of the day. We went to some shops and found some great deals. I am now ready for the summer with my new 2 piece swim suit. First 2 piece I have had since I was like 6 or something like that but this one covers everything I want covered. Thank goodness because there are just some things other people do not want to see. ;) I also found some super cheap t-shirts and so did J so that was great. Then we went for supper at a Mexican restaurant and it was really great. After supper we decided to go catch a movie. We saw Hall Pass and had a few laughs. Then when we got home we went and sat around the fire with my neighbors and my sister. I really enjoy hanging out around the fire. Then today we went to pick up the kids and had a BBQ at D's house. Overall it was a really good week. I know that posts like this can be a little boring but it is all these little things that can make a week a good one.

Without Hair

One week today without hair. It has been a great experience. I have gotten more compliments and support than I ever imagined I would. So many people have come up to me and told me how much they appreciate the amount of money and awareness my team of Luscious Ladies have raised for the Canadian Cancer Society. Also people have commented on how courageous they think it is that I was willing to lose my hair for the cause. I just thought that it would be a great way to encourage people to donate and I also thought it was a great way to support my Aunty in her fight against cancer. There have been a lot of people that just stare and I don't even mind that, in fact it makes me smile. People need to be more accepting and should try not to be so shocked by something as little as a bald woman. I am considering shaving my head once more at the end of June and then letting it grow back for the remainder of summer and hopefully by the time the cold weather starts there will be enough hair there to keep my head warm. The cold was definitely one of the first things I noticed once my hair was gone. My head is a nice shape and there is only 1 little scar on the very top. I knew I would feel the same as I always have. It is only hair and it will grow back. I was a little worried about how J and the kids would react but the kids think it is cool. M especially likes to rub my head. haha J was surprised  by how much it made my eyes stand out and he thinks I am just as beautiful as before only now he is a little more proud of me.